Lying Awake

Just found 4 songs by OLP that I didn't have. Lying Awake is ammmmaazing. I can't stop listening to it.

Whirlwind. I can't figure out things, can't get past certain words, certain conversations, can't figure out what is WRONG. Everything's wrong, even thinking that things are wrong is wrong in and of itself.

Transitioning is kicking my ass. That's the truth. I've not felt so insecure about myself in a while. Social anxiety comes with every encounter, and trust me, I've rarely ever felt social anxiety. I've always been the girl that everyone gets along with, who can make conversation, who brightens up the party room. And from there, I'm just another little person walking to work, driving her car to work just like the 40 zillion others out there. It's hard to go to a new city because you're just insignificant. There are no ties to people or organizations. And the hard thing is that I don't know where to begin to establish those ties. I've been trying out new activities and new social scenes, trying to make some indent into this city.

The workplace is hard to get used to. Worse off, I don't WANT TO get settled in this environment. I'm way too young to be in a cubicle for 50 hours a week. It's so hard to even sit still at work. They don't give me enough to keep me entertained, so I end up annoying all the people around me at work and my friends online. Plus, I want more challenging work with some substance. Who knew corporate engineering could be so technically blase? People are so awkward at work, too! And the old men seem to constantly be looking at me. Urgh, it's gross. Why aren't there more female engineers? I stare out my window everyday, wanting to just leave whenever I don't have anything to do. College was good in the freedoms that I had. I didn't have to go to class if I knew the material, and I could begin my homework at any time. It's hard cramming productivity into the 8am-6pm slot.

I feel like I'm going through a quarter life crisis. I want to become a hippie. I want something NOT boring. I don't want to spend my younger years in this boring unchallenging stifling world. I'm too young to be settled! I've thought about taking 6 months to a year off to do something totally off track. A large part of this crazy desire comes from having had to follow that "smart/good kid track" for the past 21 years. For the first time, I'm realizing that I have the flexibility to choose my path. From the Blackrock debacle, I learned that it's okay to not be rich/powerful/save the world, even when you have these advantage of education or personality or wealth. It's not okay to be lazy and passionless, though. What I mean that you have to make the most of your resources, but there's more than one way to personal achievement. The more I think about it, the more that I want to teach!! I'm seriously considering getting my PhD in education for science/math/technology. All my teen to adult life, I've taught nerdy subjects in my free time. Maybe that means it's my real passion, and maybe that I shouldn't be in a cubicle all day long? I think I was born to be a teacher, and I want to make this a reality. I've been thinking about teaching science/math/comp sci at a school in Europe or Asia or rural backtown USA next year. Something new and totally different, where I'd learn about new cultures by fulling immersing myself. I'm just too young for yuppie-ville USA, here in DC.

I need some time to be by myself. And focus on who I am and what I'm all about and who I WANT TO BE. I've grown insecure in my path and who I am, and it's so necessary to spend time alone and get past these insecurities. I'm so grateful to have all my friends around though. You guys and girls keep me happy and cared for. I don't know what I'd do without you. Love you :)