I feel so happy lately. With my place in life, myself, and all the people around me. It's been a while since I felt so good about things. I think it's b/c I'm finally away from MIT. hahaha. But it's soooo refreshingly fantastic.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, December 31, 2007
2007 in a blur
So much has changed this year. For once, I can look back and smile at the year. It's been a ridiculously fabulous year. But the biggest thing that I've learned is to trust my instincts again. I had to make big decisions involving health, jobs, boys, and family in this year. But they were the "right" choices - even if some of them were emotionally charged.
Travelling Journey of 2007:
- China in January. I went back to my hometown, explored Shanghai, and spent some time with dear ole mama.
- Washington DC in March. Flew out for my interviews. I was hired by Orbital, and I'm so happy at my little job right now.
- Cancun in March! I love love love my sorority sistah sso much. I baked until I looked like black Aunt Jemima, and then I got cornrows in my hair. Miss my girls so bad!
- Boston in June - I graduated in so many different ways. I left my classmates. I left the MIT experience behind me, knowing that I have gotten stronger from those four years. I left my friends, my confidantes. I left this magical place where you have no limitations and all the opportunities shine in your face. I left someone I really cared about - and still kick myself that I didn't see it happening earlier.
- Lancaster for CTY in June. CTY was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I can't believe that my parents never sent me to summer nerd camp. Love the North Schnader Duckies!!! and my other RAs!!
- California visits in the late summer. San Francisco, San Jose, Palo Alto, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Santa Monica, Irvine...I feel like I've seen the entire state, all with really good company by my side. Yay I miss that state.
- Canada in October. Orbital took me for a critical design review with our feedhorn manufacteurs in Canadajavascript:void(0)
Publish Post. Woohoo! My first business trip! I'm official now.
- Boston in November. Man, I miss my college friends so much. We are all so scattered these days that it is hard to keep up. Everyone seems to be moving onward with their lives and personal goals, whether that is professional or personal. I loved hanging out with my sistahs for Camp Part Dos though.
- NYC for Thanksgiving. It was so amazing to see Jia, Jeanna, Jhan, and all my other finance people whose names don't start with a J. It's a real contrast to my current life, but I realize that I am much happier with my life than what would have been Hanhan at Blackrock. I love Jia so much, and I want her in my life forever.
- Home for the Holidays, then DC. My parents are reaching a point of okayness with my job. They told me that they were "proud" of me for the first time since I got my finance offer. More importantly, I'm finally settling in here, months and months later....finally.
Travelling Journey of 2007:
- China in January. I went back to my hometown, explored Shanghai, and spent some time with dear ole mama.
- Washington DC in March. Flew out for my interviews. I was hired by Orbital, and I'm so happy at my little job right now.
- Cancun in March! I love love love my sorority sistah sso much. I baked until I looked like black Aunt Jemima, and then I got cornrows in my hair. Miss my girls so bad!
- Boston in June - I graduated in so many different ways. I left my classmates. I left the MIT experience behind me, knowing that I have gotten stronger from those four years. I left my friends, my confidantes. I left this magical place where you have no limitations and all the opportunities shine in your face. I left someone I really cared about - and still kick myself that I didn't see it happening earlier.
- Lancaster for CTY in June. CTY was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I can't believe that my parents never sent me to summer nerd camp. Love the North Schnader Duckies!!! and my other RAs!!
- California visits in the late summer. San Francisco, San Jose, Palo Alto, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Santa Monica, Irvine...I feel like I've seen the entire state, all with really good company by my side. Yay I miss that state.
- Canada in October. Orbital took me for a critical design review with our feedhorn manufacteurs in Canadajavascript:void(0)
Publish Post. Woohoo! My first business trip! I'm official now.
- Boston in November. Man, I miss my college friends so much. We are all so scattered these days that it is hard to keep up. Everyone seems to be moving onward with their lives and personal goals, whether that is professional or personal. I loved hanging out with my sistahs for Camp Part Dos though.
- NYC for Thanksgiving. It was so amazing to see Jia, Jeanna, Jhan, and all my other finance people whose names don't start with a J. It's a real contrast to my current life, but I realize that I am much happier with my life than what would have been Hanhan at Blackrock. I love Jia so much, and I want her in my life forever.
- Home for the Holidays, then DC. My parents are reaching a point of okayness with my job. They told me that they were "proud" of me for the first time since I got my finance offer. More importantly, I'm finally settling in here, months and months later....finally.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays
I'm home in Wexford right now. Yeah, Pittsburgh is such quaint little city. Two lane highways, and everyone is just so hometown friendly! I'll probably head back to DC on the 28th. Ray, you should come visit!! Should I go to New York for New Years? All of my friends seem to be in NYC, so maybe I need to go where the party is.
I want to fly soo badly. Since moving to DC, I no longer have to fly home. I might start buying plane tickets from Baltimore to Pittsburgh just so that I can get on an airplane. They're super ass cheap, so why now?
Places I want to go in 2008:
- Seattle
- Death Valley
- Chine with my daddy in October! Plus Hong Kong, Shengzhen, Nanjing, and Szechuan
- Beach!!!
- Atlantic City
- College football game at PSU or Michigan
It's gonna be good.
I want to fly soo badly. Since moving to DC, I no longer have to fly home. I might start buying plane tickets from Baltimore to Pittsburgh just so that I can get on an airplane. They're super ass cheap, so why now?
Places I want to go in 2008:
- Seattle
- Death Valley
- Chine with my daddy in October! Plus Hong Kong, Shengzhen, Nanjing, and Szechuan
- Beach!!!
- Atlantic City
- College football game at PSU or Michigan
It's gonna be good.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I've got a got a gota pocket full of sunshine....
First things first. I can't wait til the new Natasha Bedingfield CD comes out on Jan 22nd. I heard this song called "Pocket Full of Sunshine" on The Hills and I NEED the full version. Also, I DLed some Remy Zero and The Album Leaf. So happy with my music lately.
It's been interesting trying to look-out for judgments recently. I'm working on returning to my pre-MIT days, where I was generally more open minded about the things and people around me. I had an inquisitive nature that seems quelled. Where did you go, spirit? Anyways, I'm making headway in that I notice when my judgments begin now, and then I try to rephrase my mental thought immediately. Also, I've been working hard on asking questions about people's lives in order to understand their motivations more. MIT changed me a lot, but not necessarily all for the better. I think it made me into a workaholic + alcoholic, but the Institute really skews your perception of rank and reality.
For example, I think MIT students enter the real world and have difficulty respecting those who are not math/science inclined. They believe that the ability to solve math equations ranks you into the elite, but if you can write ridiculous essays, you'll still never be as respected. I think that's bullshit, and I always have. I LOVE the fact that my friends are comprised of engineering, finance people, as well as all else. Intelligence comes in many forms. I love hanging out with my finance kiddos because they are socially adept and understanding of people's mannerisms. That MIT mentality, which maybe I subscribed to at one point, is not something I want to perpetuate these days. Turning over a new leaf here in my new city.
I want to be the old Hanhan again. Maybe she was a much more naive version of today, but she sure smiled a whole lot more. And she could get to know people more easily because she approached her days with an open mind. I miss her.
I miss so much right now... in every part of my life, I think.
It's been interesting trying to look-out for judgments recently. I'm working on returning to my pre-MIT days, where I was generally more open minded about the things and people around me. I had an inquisitive nature that seems quelled. Where did you go, spirit? Anyways, I'm making headway in that I notice when my judgments begin now, and then I try to rephrase my mental thought immediately. Also, I've been working hard on asking questions about people's lives in order to understand their motivations more. MIT changed me a lot, but not necessarily all for the better. I think it made me into a workaholic + alcoholic, but the Institute really skews your perception of rank and reality.
For example, I think MIT students enter the real world and have difficulty respecting those who are not math/science inclined. They believe that the ability to solve math equations ranks you into the elite, but if you can write ridiculous essays, you'll still never be as respected. I think that's bullshit, and I always have. I LOVE the fact that my friends are comprised of engineering, finance people, as well as all else. Intelligence comes in many forms. I love hanging out with my finance kiddos because they are socially adept and understanding of people's mannerisms. That MIT mentality, which maybe I subscribed to at one point, is not something I want to perpetuate these days. Turning over a new leaf here in my new city.
I want to be the old Hanhan again. Maybe she was a much more naive version of today, but she sure smiled a whole lot more. And she could get to know people more easily because she approached her days with an open mind. I miss her.
I miss so much right now... in every part of my life, I think.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Turkey Turkey Gobble Gobble!
As the months slide into each other, we've hit November in a camera flash. Still waiting for the day that I have to go back to school for Fall term.
Jhan said to me, "You've just moved to this new city, this new world. And I feel like you're taking the chance to explore new things beyond the limited, judgmental, nerdy world of MIT. You want to learn more, meet different people, and I think DC is giving you that chance for now." I think he's absolutely right on.
You know, before MIT, I had a different more open personality. Somewhere in the mix of MIT, I became so much more judgmental and close-minded. In between the insecurity about my own academic potential, I found a false sense of confidence by judging the people around me. I was "so much better" than them. And why exactly? How am I better when we are all just trying to keep on our own life goals? What are your goals? In my previous life, I asked people about who they were. I asked them questions about the things they were passionate about in an attempt to learn more about my world. That was my main purpose: to gain perspective in order to understand people in the world around me. I still feel as if I need to better understand other people. Yea, you can stop gawking in shock now.
On a completely separate note, I have this intense fear of becoming a housewife in Reston. DC is not as you imagine it. The city is limited to your political powerhouses, but then the DC surrounding area is sprawling suburbs. Strip malls after strip malls, housing plans where all the houses are replicas of each other, SUVs and soccer moms, and the best public school systems in the country. Fairfax County and Loundon County have the highest median income in the whole country...over 100K per household. Median, not mean, which implies that *most* residents bring in this income. This means excellent public school systems, but also a sense of image consciousness that invades the neighborhoods. Perfectly manicured lawns, neighborhoods with themed street names, and JCrew attire dominant the worlds around here. I can't find the culture beyond the superficial matters. I can't find the people who do not prescribe to such an idyllic existence. All the older people at work can't wait to live in these new neighborhoods and enroll their kids in the public school. Where can their children learn about the world around them? Can you create that kind of education when the surroundings dictate a much more superficial education. I'm sure some parents have made it work. I want my kids to learn about welfare reform and not about how to order cappuccinos from Starbucks. *sighs* I don't want to stay here. It stifles me, makes me want to Puke whenever I walk into Bed Bath and Beyond.
In New York right now...I love the diversity in this city - both ethnically and socio-economically. Makes you think.
Jhan said to me, "You've just moved to this new city, this new world. And I feel like you're taking the chance to explore new things beyond the limited, judgmental, nerdy world of MIT. You want to learn more, meet different people, and I think DC is giving you that chance for now." I think he's absolutely right on.
You know, before MIT, I had a different more open personality. Somewhere in the mix of MIT, I became so much more judgmental and close-minded. In between the insecurity about my own academic potential, I found a false sense of confidence by judging the people around me. I was "so much better" than them. And why exactly? How am I better when we are all just trying to keep on our own life goals? What are your goals? In my previous life, I asked people about who they were. I asked them questions about the things they were passionate about in an attempt to learn more about my world. That was my main purpose: to gain perspective in order to understand people in the world around me. I still feel as if I need to better understand other people. Yea, you can stop gawking in shock now.
On a completely separate note, I have this intense fear of becoming a housewife in Reston. DC is not as you imagine it. The city is limited to your political powerhouses, but then the DC surrounding area is sprawling suburbs. Strip malls after strip malls, housing plans where all the houses are replicas of each other, SUVs and soccer moms, and the best public school systems in the country. Fairfax County and Loundon County have the highest median income in the whole country...over 100K per household. Median, not mean, which implies that *most* residents bring in this income. This means excellent public school systems, but also a sense of image consciousness that invades the neighborhoods. Perfectly manicured lawns, neighborhoods with themed street names, and JCrew attire dominant the worlds around here. I can't find the culture beyond the superficial matters. I can't find the people who do not prescribe to such an idyllic existence. All the older people at work can't wait to live in these new neighborhoods and enroll their kids in the public school. Where can their children learn about the world around them? Can you create that kind of education when the surroundings dictate a much more superficial education. I'm sure some parents have made it work. I want my kids to learn about welfare reform and not about how to order cappuccinos from Starbucks. *sighs* I don't want to stay here. It stifles me, makes me want to Puke whenever I walk into Bed Bath and Beyond.
In New York right now...I love the diversity in this city - both ethnically and socio-economically. Makes you think.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
It's Been A While....Since I Left You Left You
Aaliyah says it best: "If at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again".
So It's Been A While since I left my blog. In the meantime, I bought a ton of new technology. New camera, ipod nano, and new Thinkpag laptop. I love my techie toys more than anything else, which makes me more nerdy than you can ever imagine.
Life has been tumultuous. I think that word sums up the craziness of being here. I miss my friends a lot. I miss those close conversations with people who I feel completely comfortable with. I miss talking to people who understand the fabric of who I am, what I'm made up of. Those friendships I hold so close to me, and I strive to hold onto them for the rest of my life.
Post college is not exactly what I thought it would be like. DC is not the right city. Orbital is fantastic - I could not ask for a better job. I feel lonely and accomplished and sad and grateful and everything all at once. I think I also cry once a week, but it's really necessary b/c the emotions are so intense. Hopefully I'll get this whole deal figured out one day....taking my good ole time.
So It's Been A While since I left my blog. In the meantime, I bought a ton of new technology. New camera, ipod nano, and new Thinkpag laptop. I love my techie toys more than anything else, which makes me more nerdy than you can ever imagine.
Life has been tumultuous. I think that word sums up the craziness of being here. I miss my friends a lot. I miss those close conversations with people who I feel completely comfortable with. I miss talking to people who understand the fabric of who I am, what I'm made up of. Those friendships I hold so close to me, and I strive to hold onto them for the rest of my life.
Post college is not exactly what I thought it would be like. DC is not the right city. Orbital is fantastic - I could not ask for a better job. I feel lonely and accomplished and sad and grateful and everything all at once. I think I also cry once a week, but it's really necessary b/c the emotions are so intense. Hopefully I'll get this whole deal figured out one day....taking my good ole time.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
October Nights
I LOVE October. Besides the fact that my birthday is on the 15th, there's so much more that appeals about this month. Football season, sweatshirt weather, beautiful fall foliage, apple picking, leaves falling from the trees, and Halloween. It's all amazing, and these things reminds me why I love the Northeast. October wouldn't feel the same anywhere else.Intensity. My life has slowed down considerably over the last few months. I guess nothing can compare to the firehose that was college life. Although I appreciate a little more thinking time, the pace is unbearable. The past few weeks have been super busy, and I love this new tempo. So, I've resolved to keep it up. I'm going to join a couple new activities, focus on my making more friends, talk to new people randomly, etc. I've reverted back to the happier pre-MIT version of Hanhan. During senior year, my mentality through daily life was to explore as many perspectives as possible. I would talk to random people at coffee shops or ask my friends pensive questions. In that non-judgemental phase, I learned so much about people's motivations. And I learned to put my own life in perspective. I feel like a little guppy fish....want more little fish food so that I can learn and grow.
Zuz told me that I was very "well-written", so apparently these blog efforts are somewhat appreciated, huh? :)
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Happiness Is Not a Fish
Don't quote me on this, but I think I actually be happy in my new city.
It's not my favorite city - I'd prefer Boston and San Fran and New York to this place in a heartbeat, but I'm going to be here for at least a year, so it's about time I adjusted.
They have these beautiful running trails along the Potomac. Woohoo! I'm gonna get my run on. It's almost like running along the Charles. Almost - I still miss my Harvard/Longfellow loop and running along the Esplanade. Ahhh! My mom is getting me plane tickets to Beantown for my birthday. Basically, the BEST present ever. I can't wait to see everyone!
It's not my favorite city - I'd prefer Boston and San Fran and New York to this place in a heartbeat, but I'm going to be here for at least a year, so it's about time I adjusted.
They have these beautiful running trails along the Potomac. Woohoo! I'm gonna get my run on. It's almost like running along the Charles. Almost - I still miss my Harvard/Longfellow loop and running along the Esplanade. Ahhh! My mom is getting me plane tickets to Beantown for my birthday. Basically, the BEST present ever. I can't wait to see everyone!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Workaholism and being hardcore
V says that the reason people leave Orbital is because "they don't get paid enough for the hours that thye put in." To some extent though, I believe that you can fully control the amount of work given to you. So if you're past your limit, then shouldn't you speak up about it? Which leads into my next conversation...
I am going to be an interviewer for MIT admissions. Heather, the lady in charge of educational counselors told me, "Yea, even at the age of 40, MIT was still the hardest thing I've done in my life. And it's okay for you to tell students that they'll work harder than they ever have in thier life, but you also have to tell them that if you could make the decision again, you would in a heart beat." Would I? I think that I can finally finally say that I would. Through the intense slaughtering of work/extracurriculars/friends, I learned the art of balance, concentration, effort, and time management. I used to panic when I didn't know something 100%, now, I never panic as long as I can understand 10% of the material. Those years of work taught me how to NOT become a workaholic while remaining "hardcore". I think I'm a pretty hardcore person, but my energies are not focused on just one topic. I'm hardcore because my schedule is always crammed with new interesting activities, the stuff beyond the 50 hour work week. Take right now, I'm teaching classes on Saturday mornings, volunteering at the National Air and Space Museum on select weekends, watching Steelers football whenever possible, running club on Thursdays, and also trying to make new friends/deal with my life in DC. I'm thinking about taking a policy/technology class next term at Georgetown or something....that might be fun!
I love collapsing into bed after a long day of enlightening conversations and new experiences. There is NOTHING better than feeling so connected to people and communities. Just makes me feel so alive!!
I am going to be an interviewer for MIT admissions. Heather, the lady in charge of educational counselors told me, "Yea, even at the age of 40, MIT was still the hardest thing I've done in my life. And it's okay for you to tell students that they'll work harder than they ever have in thier life, but you also have to tell them that if you could make the decision again, you would in a heart beat." Would I? I think that I can finally finally say that I would. Through the intense slaughtering of work/extracurriculars/friends, I learned the art of balance, concentration, effort, and time management. I used to panic when I didn't know something 100%, now, I never panic as long as I can understand 10% of the material. Those years of work taught me how to NOT become a workaholic while remaining "hardcore". I think I'm a pretty hardcore person, but my energies are not focused on just one topic. I'm hardcore because my schedule is always crammed with new interesting activities, the stuff beyond the 50 hour work week. Take right now, I'm teaching classes on Saturday mornings, volunteering at the National Air and Space Museum on select weekends, watching Steelers football whenever possible, running club on Thursdays, and also trying to make new friends/deal with my life in DC. I'm thinking about taking a policy/technology class next term at Georgetown or something....that might be fun!
I love collapsing into bed after a long day of enlightening conversations and new experiences. There is NOTHING better than feeling so connected to people and communities. Just makes me feel so alive!!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Reversing the Trend
Dates to remember:
September 28th - No drinking until this day
October 1st - No more electronics purchases til this day
October 15th - My Birthday!
October 20th - No plane ticket purchases until after this day
and lastly November 2nd - heh...what else is left to be hedonistic about?
Trying to reverse some bad habits. Especially the drinking. My body hurts so much whenever I drink now, even after just a glass of wine on Thursday. What happened to the drunk sorority girl at the frat party?
September 28th - No drinking until this day
October 1st - No more electronics purchases til this day
October 15th - My Birthday!
October 20th - No plane ticket purchases until after this day
and lastly November 2nd - heh...what else is left to be hedonistic about?
Trying to reverse some bad habits. Especially the drinking. My body hurts so much whenever I drink now, even after just a glass of wine on Thursday. What happened to the drunk sorority girl at the frat party?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Father Mao
Laura on China..."Why do your people go back to China? It's like you've been summoned back to the mothership!"
Seriously, now. :)
Seriously, now. :)
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Free Spirits
http://outside.away.com/magazine/0193/9301fdea.html
"He was the product of a happy family from an affluent suburb of Washington, D.C"
" And although he wasn't burdened with a surfeit of common sense and possessed a streak of stubborn idealism that did not readily mesh with the realities of modern life"
hanhanw: he doesn't make a difference by this quest
hanhanw: I need to feel like I'm making some improvements
hanhanw: in people's lives, in the world
zephyr847: yeah
hanhanw: it's selfish to disappear for your own solitude
hanhanw: haha
zephyr847: well, i mean, he was rejecting society in a very poetic/melodramatic/high school english class sort of way
hanhanw: hahaha
hanhanw: I think engineers can reject society better?
zephyr847: but if you aren't an engineer then being productive means something else i think
"He was the product of a happy family from an affluent suburb of Washington, D.C"
" And although he wasn't burdened with a surfeit of common sense and possessed a streak of stubborn idealism that did not readily mesh with the realities of modern life"
hanhanw: he doesn't make a difference by this quest
hanhanw: I need to feel like I'm making some improvements
hanhanw: in people's lives, in the world
zephyr847: yeah
hanhanw: it's selfish to disappear for your own solitude
hanhanw: haha
zephyr847: well, i mean, he was rejecting society in a very poetic/melodramatic/high school english class sort of way
hanhanw: hahaha
hanhanw: I think engineers can reject society better?
zephyr847: but if you aren't an engineer then being productive means something else i think
20s are overRATED
It's just...hard? I'm not sure what else to say. I feel so down about everything and maybe just a little hopeless?
I miss having my friends around. I miss being able to walk to the student center and talk to people as I pass by them. I miss hanging out at EC and Sunday nights of Brothers And Sisters and lots of wine. It's so nice to get hugs in person, right?
I'm not sure....I feel like I'm constantly on the run from my own life when I need to face it. Changing the external scene doesn't change the internal, but maybe there's some correlation? I think I keep blaming myself for feeling so down lately, but maybe I should accept that it's not always in my control. Probably anyone would feel icky if they had to start over, if they had to adjust to post-college life, if they suddenly lost the physical presence of everyone they cared about. Maybe it's not me but rather the circumstances around me? Maybe maybe?
Just make it better? Please? Make me better again?
I miss having my friends around. I miss being able to walk to the student center and talk to people as I pass by them. I miss hanging out at EC and Sunday nights of Brothers And Sisters and lots of wine. It's so nice to get hugs in person, right?
I'm not sure....I feel like I'm constantly on the run from my own life when I need to face it. Changing the external scene doesn't change the internal, but maybe there's some correlation? I think I keep blaming myself for feeling so down lately, but maybe I should accept that it's not always in my control. Probably anyone would feel icky if they had to start over, if they had to adjust to post-college life, if they suddenly lost the physical presence of everyone they cared about. Maybe it's not me but rather the circumstances around me? Maybe maybe?
Just make it better? Please? Make me better again?
Friday, September 14, 2007
Lying Awake
Just found 4 songs by OLP that I didn't have. Lying Awake is ammmmaazing. I can't stop listening to it.
Whirlwind. I can't figure out things, can't get past certain words, certain conversations, can't figure out what is WRONG. Everything's wrong, even thinking that things are wrong is wrong in and of itself.
Transitioning is kicking my ass. That's the truth. I've not felt so insecure about myself in a while. Social anxiety comes with every encounter, and trust me, I've rarely ever felt social anxiety. I've always been the girl that everyone gets along with, who can make conversation, who brightens up the party room. And from there, I'm just another little person walking to work, driving her car to work just like the 40 zillion others out there. It's hard to go to a new city because you're just insignificant. There are no ties to people or organizations. And the hard thing is that I don't know where to begin to establish those ties. I've been trying out new activities and new social scenes, trying to make some indent into this city.
The workplace is hard to get used to. Worse off, I don't WANT TO get settled in this environment. I'm way too young to be in a cubicle for 50 hours a week. It's so hard to even sit still at work. They don't give me enough to keep me entertained, so I end up annoying all the people around me at work and my friends online. Plus, I want more challenging work with some substance. Who knew corporate engineering could be so technically blase? People are so awkward at work, too! And the old men seem to constantly be looking at me. Urgh, it's gross. Why aren't there more female engineers? I stare out my window everyday, wanting to just leave whenever I don't have anything to do. College was good in the freedoms that I had. I didn't have to go to class if I knew the material, and I could begin my homework at any time. It's hard cramming productivity into the 8am-6pm slot.
I feel like I'm going through a quarter life crisis. I want to become a hippie. I want something NOT boring. I don't want to spend my younger years in this boring unchallenging stifling world. I'm too young to be settled! I've thought about taking 6 months to a year off to do something totally off track. A large part of this crazy desire comes from having had to follow that "smart/good kid track" for the past 21 years. For the first time, I'm realizing that I have the flexibility to choose my path. From the Blackrock debacle, I learned that it's okay to not be rich/powerful/save the world, even when you have these advantage of education or personality or wealth. It's not okay to be lazy and passionless, though. What I mean that you have to make the most of your resources, but there's more than one way to personal achievement. The more I think about it, the more that I want to teach!! I'm seriously considering getting my PhD in education for science/math/technology. All my teen to adult life, I've taught nerdy subjects in my free time. Maybe that means it's my real passion, and maybe that I shouldn't be in a cubicle all day long? I think I was born to be a teacher, and I want to make this a reality. I've been thinking about teaching science/math/comp sci at a school in Europe or Asia or rural backtown USA next year. Something new and totally different, where I'd learn about new cultures by fulling immersing myself. I'm just too young for yuppie-ville USA, here in DC.
I need some time to be by myself. And focus on who I am and what I'm all about and who I WANT TO BE. I've grown insecure in my path and who I am, and it's so necessary to spend time alone and get past these insecurities. I'm so grateful to have all my friends around though. You guys and girls keep me happy and cared for. I don't know what I'd do without you. Love you :)
Whirlwind. I can't figure out things, can't get past certain words, certain conversations, can't figure out what is WRONG. Everything's wrong, even thinking that things are wrong is wrong in and of itself.
Transitioning is kicking my ass. That's the truth. I've not felt so insecure about myself in a while. Social anxiety comes with every encounter, and trust me, I've rarely ever felt social anxiety. I've always been the girl that everyone gets along with, who can make conversation, who brightens up the party room. And from there, I'm just another little person walking to work, driving her car to work just like the 40 zillion others out there. It's hard to go to a new city because you're just insignificant. There are no ties to people or organizations. And the hard thing is that I don't know where to begin to establish those ties. I've been trying out new activities and new social scenes, trying to make some indent into this city.
The workplace is hard to get used to. Worse off, I don't WANT TO get settled in this environment. I'm way too young to be in a cubicle for 50 hours a week. It's so hard to even sit still at work. They don't give me enough to keep me entertained, so I end up annoying all the people around me at work and my friends online. Plus, I want more challenging work with some substance. Who knew corporate engineering could be so technically blase? People are so awkward at work, too! And the old men seem to constantly be looking at me. Urgh, it's gross. Why aren't there more female engineers? I stare out my window everyday, wanting to just leave whenever I don't have anything to do. College was good in the freedoms that I had. I didn't have to go to class if I knew the material, and I could begin my homework at any time. It's hard cramming productivity into the 8am-6pm slot.
I feel like I'm going through a quarter life crisis. I want to become a hippie. I want something NOT boring. I don't want to spend my younger years in this boring unchallenging stifling world. I'm too young to be settled! I've thought about taking 6 months to a year off to do something totally off track. A large part of this crazy desire comes from having had to follow that "smart/good kid track" for the past 21 years. For the first time, I'm realizing that I have the flexibility to choose my path. From the Blackrock debacle, I learned that it's okay to not be rich/powerful/save the world, even when you have these advantage of education or personality or wealth. It's not okay to be lazy and passionless, though. What I mean that you have to make the most of your resources, but there's more than one way to personal achievement. The more I think about it, the more that I want to teach!! I'm seriously considering getting my PhD in education for science/math/technology. All my teen to adult life, I've taught nerdy subjects in my free time. Maybe that means it's my real passion, and maybe that I shouldn't be in a cubicle all day long? I think I was born to be a teacher, and I want to make this a reality. I've been thinking about teaching science/math/comp sci at a school in Europe or Asia or rural backtown USA next year. Something new and totally different, where I'd learn about new cultures by fulling immersing myself. I'm just too young for yuppie-ville USA, here in DC.
I need some time to be by myself. And focus on who I am and what I'm all about and who I WANT TO BE. I've grown insecure in my path and who I am, and it's so necessary to spend time alone and get past these insecurities. I'm so grateful to have all my friends around though. You guys and girls keep me happy and cared for. I don't know what I'd do without you. Love you :)
Monday, August 27, 2007
I love my roomie!!!
I'm so happy that Laura is my room-mate. I love our talks and I love having her around as we face this new DC world together. Thanks so much for the chat tonight, babe. I really needed it.
It was easy for my Xanga to disintegrate into emotional ramblings of my mistakes. When I changed to Blogspot, I promised to write more analytical interesting entries. So here goes my attempt at an analytical discussion of what's been bothering me. Sorry in advance if this turns into an emotional bloodbath.
I have to face my new city. I've been living in a nice little world of denial and regret. It's not effective, and it's really getting on my nerves. And probably everyone around me is sick of hearing about it, too. Thanks for putting up with my whining. :) I often wonder if it's the city or it's me (haha....it's not YOU, it's ME). I mean, I disliked MIT too, so maybe I'm just unable to content with my current living situations. But I LOVED Boston. I love the vibrant, liberal, educated, and sophisticated culture. I loved being by a zillion colleges and having Greenpeace protesters stop me every few minutes. DC is stifled, suburban, conservative, Southern, older, serious, etc. The culture of this city focuses around the political houses, but it makes people extremely stifled and conformist. It's like they're afraid of being themselves. When I opened up to a guy at work with my passionate personality, he told me that I was a lot to handle. Tone it down? Can people in this city handle my personality, or Laura's for that matter? I mean, she was the one who set off the Pentagon's alarm...ask her why. Teehee. Is this the right city for me? Could I be happier here if I started to a real concerted effort instead of hiding in my apartment, behind my computer and my books?
I don't even want to integrate into this city. I don't want to be one of those housewives. People always tell me, "Well, you probably haven't met the right people yet." Sure, but HOW and WHERE can I meet these people? V struggled to name any girls my age at Orbital who weren't engaged or glued to their boys. Not everyone wants to get married and become a housewife before she's 25! If I haven't met the right people, I still think that I've met a high number of people. And very few of those have been ones that I connect with. I feel like so many of them are older and in a different life stage than I am.
In any case, I guess I need to talk action to improve things instead of whining about it. But for right now, I'm just going to wallow in this until I feel ready to move onward. It was hard for me to adjust to Phoenix too. Funny how I wanted to run back to Boston so vehemently during that summer as well. I think I drove Jia, Adam, and Mike insane with all the nights I cried to them. I'm surprised any of them are still my friends after what I put them through that summer. That's why I'm so hesitant to talk about how I feel with anyone. Don't want people to have to deal with me when I'm abjectly negative. That summer, Adam told me that I needed to ACCEPT that I was in Phoenix. He told me that, sure, I could run back to Boston or stick it out at Intel but that I needed to make a firm decision. It's easier this time around b/c I know I'm stuck in DC no matter what. But that idea of acceptance is still very relevant. What can I do in this upcoming week to start accepting my place here? What are some of the positives that DO get me excited in the morning?
Start small:
- I LOVE my kiddie Toyota Yaris, even if it doesn't have power anything
- I like being able to go to Panera and Pei Wei
- My manager and I get along very well and I get a lot of responsibility at work
Need to build on learning acceptance....how can I do that? If any of you have thoughts/advice/wise tales, I'd truly appreciate it. Thanks for being an audience to my whining.
It was easy for my Xanga to disintegrate into emotional ramblings of my mistakes. When I changed to Blogspot, I promised to write more analytical interesting entries. So here goes my attempt at an analytical discussion of what's been bothering me. Sorry in advance if this turns into an emotional bloodbath.
I have to face my new city. I've been living in a nice little world of denial and regret. It's not effective, and it's really getting on my nerves. And probably everyone around me is sick of hearing about it, too. Thanks for putting up with my whining. :) I often wonder if it's the city or it's me (haha....it's not YOU, it's ME). I mean, I disliked MIT too, so maybe I'm just unable to content with my current living situations. But I LOVED Boston. I love the vibrant, liberal, educated, and sophisticated culture. I loved being by a zillion colleges and having Greenpeace protesters stop me every few minutes. DC is stifled, suburban, conservative, Southern, older, serious, etc. The culture of this city focuses around the political houses, but it makes people extremely stifled and conformist. It's like they're afraid of being themselves. When I opened up to a guy at work with my passionate personality, he told me that I was a lot to handle. Tone it down? Can people in this city handle my personality, or Laura's for that matter? I mean, she was the one who set off the Pentagon's alarm...ask her why. Teehee. Is this the right city for me? Could I be happier here if I started to a real concerted effort instead of hiding in my apartment, behind my computer and my books?
I don't even want to integrate into this city. I don't want to be one of those housewives. People always tell me, "Well, you probably haven't met the right people yet." Sure, but HOW and WHERE can I meet these people? V struggled to name any girls my age at Orbital who weren't engaged or glued to their boys. Not everyone wants to get married and become a housewife before she's 25! If I haven't met the right people, I still think that I've met a high number of people. And very few of those have been ones that I connect with. I feel like so many of them are older and in a different life stage than I am.
In any case, I guess I need to talk action to improve things instead of whining about it. But for right now, I'm just going to wallow in this until I feel ready to move onward. It was hard for me to adjust to Phoenix too. Funny how I wanted to run back to Boston so vehemently during that summer as well. I think I drove Jia, Adam, and Mike insane with all the nights I cried to them. I'm surprised any of them are still my friends after what I put them through that summer. That's why I'm so hesitant to talk about how I feel with anyone. Don't want people to have to deal with me when I'm abjectly negative. That summer, Adam told me that I needed to ACCEPT that I was in Phoenix. He told me that, sure, I could run back to Boston or stick it out at Intel but that I needed to make a firm decision. It's easier this time around b/c I know I'm stuck in DC no matter what. But that idea of acceptance is still very relevant. What can I do in this upcoming week to start accepting my place here? What are some of the positives that DO get me excited in the morning?
Start small:
- I LOVE my kiddie Toyota Yaris, even if it doesn't have power anything
- I like being able to go to Panera and Pei Wei
- My manager and I get along very well and I get a lot of responsibility at work
Need to build on learning acceptance....how can I do that? If any of you have thoughts/advice/wise tales, I'd truly appreciate it. Thanks for being an audience to my whining.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Intensity, Passion, and Challenges
I've always lived passionately. A new challenges awaits at every corner, and then I push myself to obtain greater personal development. That's always been what I've been all about.
Post-MIT life has been....in summary...boring. I don't feel super challenged at work, even though I'm doing design work. The theory doesn't compare to anything I learned in school. I don't feel angsty, upset, or thrilled. It's a boring blase monotony. A dull day, followed by another day, stuck in rush hour traffic. The environment here in DC in the corporate surburbia stifles me. Maybe this calmness suits some people, but certainly not me, at least not yet.
I need my passion back. The raw emotion, whether it feels pleasant or hopeless. I want to have something to strive for instead of this muted monotony. Where's my spirit?
Post-MIT life has been....in summary...boring. I don't feel super challenged at work, even though I'm doing design work. The theory doesn't compare to anything I learned in school. I don't feel angsty, upset, or thrilled. It's a boring blase monotony. A dull day, followed by another day, stuck in rush hour traffic. The environment here in DC in the corporate surburbia stifles me. Maybe this calmness suits some people, but certainly not me, at least not yet.
I need my passion back. The raw emotion, whether it feels pleasant or hopeless. I want to have something to strive for instead of this muted monotony. Where's my spirit?
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Truth
On weekends, I love going to a coffeehouse and writing. So I sat at Starbucks for a couple of hours this morning because it's been a while since I caught up with myself. Besides, coffee is better slowly sipped than chugged down so that Hansquared doesn't fall asleep behind the wheel during her morning commute.
I'm so sad that it started thunderstorming at the beach today! I was looking forward to lying in the sand, talking to Mike K, and eating "white people food". Haha. I'm so glad that we are now buddies even if it took some time (shoutout since I know you're reading this. hehe). Hopefully we can make the beach happen when you're home again later this summer?
I've been thinking about a lot of topics lately. It's nice to be out of school. I don't miss MIT, but I do miss my friends a good deal. It's nice having weekends free instead of spending Sunday afternoon at office hours or in lab. Yay!
I have a hard time adjusting to new places. It's hard for me to put myself out there so that I meet lots of new friends. I just think forced social situations bring awkwardness and apathy. I also just have a hard time settling into new routines. Yeah, who would have known that Hanhan resists change so fervently? I'm good at reacting to crisis but not so skilled when the landscape entirely changes. I'm trying to hold onto what pieces are graspable, but it's a general whirlwind. Coffee this morning helped re-focus my energy a lot, really necessary. There's a good amount of fear and uncertainty thrown into this whole deal. Let's just say that I don't know how to play the game yet, that's what Jia would tell me. She'd also tell me that Hanhan never quits, she just gets back on that horse swearing profusely. New week awaits, right?
I'm so sad that it started thunderstorming at the beach today! I was looking forward to lying in the sand, talking to Mike K, and eating "white people food". Haha. I'm so glad that we are now buddies even if it took some time (shoutout since I know you're reading this. hehe). Hopefully we can make the beach happen when you're home again later this summer?
I've been thinking about a lot of topics lately. It's nice to be out of school. I don't miss MIT, but I do miss my friends a good deal. It's nice having weekends free instead of spending Sunday afternoon at office hours or in lab. Yay!
I have a hard time adjusting to new places. It's hard for me to put myself out there so that I meet lots of new friends. I just think forced social situations bring awkwardness and apathy. I also just have a hard time settling into new routines. Yeah, who would have known that Hanhan resists change so fervently? I'm good at reacting to crisis but not so skilled when the landscape entirely changes. I'm trying to hold onto what pieces are graspable, but it's a general whirlwind. Coffee this morning helped re-focus my energy a lot, really necessary. There's a good amount of fear and uncertainty thrown into this whole deal. Let's just say that I don't know how to play the game yet, that's what Jia would tell me. She'd also tell me that Hanhan never quits, she just gets back on that horse swearing profusely. New week awaits, right?
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Can you pay my automo'bills then maybe we can chill
I have two new fears.
1. Becoming married to whoever I am dating at the age of 31 just because all my friends are already hitched. I guess if he were the love of my life, it'd be okay, but chances are it'll be some balding who needs to treat me better. I don't want to be in a lifeless passionate marriage.
2. Becoming domesticated. I really cannot handle apartment shopping. When I went to Bed Bath and Beyond, Target Home, and Walmart, I nearly had a panic attack each time. It's the overwhelming number of unnecessary choices. Do you really need to choose between 20 different trash cans? Or 30 kinds of specialized clothes hangers? Also, there are always these screaming little kids in the shopping carts. They drool and cry and then I scowl. If I ever become one of these yuppie housewives, please shoot me.
To my pledge class: yes, these fears are in addition to the 3 forbidden swear words. For those of you not in the know: the e word (engaged), the m word (marriage), and the k word (kids). Oh! I met a woman at work who was 7 weeks pregnant. She looked around my age, but apparently it's okay b/c she's actually 27. Um, I think we're going to add the b word too. NO BABIES.
1. Becoming married to whoever I am dating at the age of 31 just because all my friends are already hitched. I guess if he were the love of my life, it'd be okay, but chances are it'll be some balding who needs to treat me better. I don't want to be in a lifeless passionate marriage.
2. Becoming domesticated. I really cannot handle apartment shopping. When I went to Bed Bath and Beyond, Target Home, and Walmart, I nearly had a panic attack each time. It's the overwhelming number of unnecessary choices. Do you really need to choose between 20 different trash cans? Or 30 kinds of specialized clothes hangers? Also, there are always these screaming little kids in the shopping carts. They drool and cry and then I scowl. If I ever become one of these yuppie housewives, please shoot me.
To my pledge class: yes, these fears are in addition to the 3 forbidden swear words. For those of you not in the know: the e word (engaged), the m word (marriage), and the k word (kids). Oh! I met a woman at work who was 7 weeks pregnant. She looked around my age, but apparently it's okay b/c she's actually 27. Um, I think we're going to add the b word too. NO BABIES.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
My Baby Nissan and My Kiddie Yaris
My baby needs some TLC, and so I've traded it in for my kiddie! I got a new car! It's sooo beautiful. And has AC! And I don't have to worry about it breaking down every few minutes.
It's hard to let go. My baby Nissan has been so good to me. I learned to drive on this car and it's sure had some adventures. I'm going to miss it.
My new silver Yaris!!
It's hard to let go. My baby Nissan has been so good to me. I learned to drive on this car and it's sure had some adventures. I'm going to miss it.
My new silver Yaris!!
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