Denial of Emotions

I hate my emotional side. It's always been like this, blame it on my parents for never letting me have any emotional responses to things. I stuff my feelings inside. I release it in unhealthy ways. I don't admit it when I'm sad, angry, happy, frustrated, or any other emoticon out there. Moreover, I am extremely judgemental towards myself when I do begin to feel. I tell myself, "What the hell, you're such a baby. Stop crying. Stop being upset. You're just wallowing. You shouldn't be ____ <---insert emotion there".

Needless to say, I don't trust my emotions very much either. People say that emotions should be a guiding force in one's life. They should provide the intuitive compass, that gut feeling giving you direction. Well, I make decisions with my logical scientific mind. I'm scared of letting those emotions reign - they seem way too uncontrolled, effusive, overtaking, almost disillusional. What would you do with just this FEELING and nothing to back it up? Why the hell would you listen to that voice? I know most others might. They are normal people who trust and aren't terrified of their emotions. I view emotions in such a negative light that I rely on my logic foremost. Blame it on Miss Scientist, you know? But sometimes, I really wish I could be more in touch with Miss Human Nature. Science is too cold at time.

*sighs* I've been slowly trying to force myself to feel. It's weird that I have to force myself to do this. I take an hour or two during the day to sit down with my emotions, admit their presence, stop judging what they are, and then to allow myelf to go through the process. What the fuck, I know that I miles behind my peers in emotional processing. Slowly, slowly.